I used to think youth is wasted on the young. And when I say “used to”, I mean yesterday morning…
I had breakfast with a friend yesterday morning, and as it sometimes happens, we started talking about a colleague of mine who had done a few horrible things to someone I care about. I shot my mouth off about this woman and said some despicable things.
Did she deserve all them things I said? Yes, yes she did. Was it incumbent upon me to say them? Probably not.
Then last night another friend of mine who has been living peacefully under a rock and has never seen any of the Marvel movies (seriously, I asked her how she ties her shoes in the morning because one cannot go through life so uninformed about important things…) wanted to watch Captain America. The first one. I think. There really are so many.
Anyway, something about the movie made me feel guilty about my verbal diarrhea earlier that day and reminded me about something I had like about myself when I was young. In my early twenties I developed an obsession about all things specialized military. I inhaled any information about the different countries’ special forces units and I think the thing I was attracted to was the idea of dedicating your life to a code, a calling. I remember believing that my heart is pure and my mind strong and that I will always have the willingness to do the right thing…
Well…not to quote John Candy in Cool Runnings but: Would you look at me then….urfff, would you look at me NOW?
I think my mind is still strong-ish, but my heart hasn’t been pure for years now. And willingness to do the right thing? The last time I stood up for anything at work I had my ass handed to me. And that was all the excuse I needed never to stand up for anything again.
And it sucks. I suck.
I HATE that I’ve turned into an adult. A spineless one. I absolutely LOATHE that two weeks ago I encouraged a colleague to not do the right thing because it would paint a target on her back. She was trying to be brave and I actively discouraged her.
Look, like most people I cringe a little when I think of my young self. I should have kept around three quarters of the stuff I said out loud to myself. I should have been honest with myself about boys not liking me and just move on instead of pining. I should have been a bit less gullible.
But there are things I really like about my young me. I like the ridiculous drive. The energy. The unstoppable endeavour to have a strong mind, a good heart, and a persistent willingness to do the right thing.
And my ability to sleep for days. Gosh, I really miss that about myself…
We shouldn’t be so hard on the young folk. Sure, most of the stuff they say scare the hell out of me. And sometimes I wanna dish out some slaps. But many of them may have moments of goodness or brilliance or both. And maybe they are the best they’ll ever be.
One more chococino for the road…maybe two…