UNPROFESSIONAL MOVIE REVIEW

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 134 times: I love movies. And my taste is pretty eclectic too. Sometimes I’m thrilled by a superhero movie. Sometimes something a little light and funny really soothes the constitution, and other times the feelz call for something heavy and serious. And yes damnit, there have been days in which even some Scandinavian, impossible to understand, 8 hour long emotional journey has scratched the itch and left me questioning everything. In a good and healthy way.

But loving a thing doesn’t make you an expert. You can love your wife, but that doesn’t make you a gynaecologist. So when I criticise movies, I’m not saying they are shit. I’m just saying I found it shit… This is my version of a disclaimer.

There is not a thing about Octavia Spencer I don’t love. I’ve seen all her movies and all of them have moved me. Even Ma. She’s hands down my favorite actor because the only other people who can evoke that level of emotion from me are my students but anger doesn’t freaking count. I’ll go see Fast and Furious 37 if Octavia stars in it.

My love runs that deep.

When I feel a little blue, I do one of three things: 1) I drink wine. 2) I watch Spy starring Melissa McCarthy. And drink wine. Or 3) I go for a run.

Hahahaha…I never go for a run…

Anyway, I adore Melissa McCarthy. So when I saw Thunder Force was hitting Netflix, moma was a pretty excited little ball of flesh. A friend and I settled in this evening, got the popcorn and wine, and off we went…

That is one hour and 45 seconds that I have donated to charity and will never get back.

When Spencer and McCarthy can’t save a movie, you know the metaphorical boat hit a metaphorical iceberg really fucking hard. I mean, that bad boy sped into that iceberg at the speed of a Concorde.

But this tragedy is not even what this post is about. It’s just the gateway to my real complaint.

In my life I’ve seen a few movies that carried all the hype of a Star Wars film, then tank thoroughly with audiences. It happens. But in the last few years I’ve seen a dauntingly number of movies stir excitement…that left me completely befuddled and asking: with all the need in the world…that’s what they decided to spend money on?!

What the hell is happening with movies? Why aren’t they good anymore?

Wonder Woman made me feel things an almost 40-year-old should not be feeling, people. A chick kicking po-po. It made me go to work the next day ready to kick in walls.

Then – with all the anticipatory delight of a child looking for Easter eggs – I settled in to watch Wonder Woman 2.

Expletive, expletive, expletive.

Maybe I’m the only person on Earth who feels this way and maybe it’s a function of age and I’m turning into a boring old bamboo bag of wrinkles, but lately I find movie stories shitty. It feels like visual stories have become cheap cakes. It looks pretty from the outside and the icing looks expensive and delicious. But when you cut into it, you find they’ve decorated old bread.

It’s enough to make you want to watch Spy and drink wine.

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