THE PROBLEM WITH UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Can I take a bath like a normal person?, was the very first thing I asked my doctor when we talked about the upcoming operation. Having to go for a third operation for a stupid ankle fracture still fills me with the rage of a thousand nuclear detonations, but sweet blue buggerall I can do about that now.

But small victories, my friends. After six weeks of hopping around my house like a louse…I must still hop around, but at least I can take off the boot come bath time and sleep time.

The hot water running over my skin felt like the embrace of an old friend. An old friend who can see I have injuries and only want to make it better…plaster up the wounds, wash off the blood from battle and offer a meal of grotesquely large drum sticks and wine in a giant silver goblet.

As I leaned back and allowed the day’s troubles to dissolve away, my thoughts turned to the new year and all the hope it holds. Then, without reason and without cause, my thoughts turned to my late mom…

It has been five years since her death and there are a multitude of reasons why my life should continue without periodically falling apart as soon as my memories wander over to the corner of my mind where she has taken permanent residence…

She used guilt to control us. It was the easiest way to ‘convince’ us to abide by her wishes. It left me resentful and angry. She neglected my feelings. She wasn’t interested in my deeper thoughts. She was perpetually worried…about everything. When difficulty loomed, she tended to get off the road. She required a lot of attention…

I can go on, the lady had issues and she made mistakes.

But five years ago, in the moment she moved from here to eternity, the only person who has and would ever love me completely and unconditionally left Earth. I am still loved, and I’m filled with gratitude for that love. But I’m pretty sure that love will wane if I screw up enough times and with sufficient intensity.

It is a cruel thing to allow for unconditional love and then take it away. I no longer have someone who would freely laugh at my jokes. Now they actually have to be funny and, as it turns out, I’m really not that comical. Unconditional love makes you feel like you don’t have to live up to anything. You’re enough, just as you are.

The thing I think I miss most about unconditional love, is unconditionally loving. Worrying about someone else first. Worrying about someone else more. Cooking something pasta-ish even though I was craving something meaty. Going to the movies even though I was exhausted.

Receiving and giving unconditional love is an almighty thing. The idea might be over-simplifying reality, but when this type of love is gone, you realize the strength it gives. You are not alone, it says. You are enough.

I’m tired and I’m not going to end my first night of 2021 in tears. Wine it is…

3 comments

  1. Yes I can imagine that would be tough. Not looking forward to when my mum goes. They just know you like the back of your hand. Hope your ankle OP works better this time round.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Storyteller! (Surely that is not your name? If it is, I like your mom’s savvy!)
      Yeah, losing a mom is an earthquake that lasts about 4 years…

      Like

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