I’m no clairvoyant but I can tell I’m going to punch a wife in the face one day. I’m sincerely not into violence, but there are certain insults I don’t endure kindly.

I’ve been single most of my life. I dated a little during those juicy early varsity years, but I found all that awkward groping and inept fiddling around too disgusting to stomach for long. Of course I’m referring to my awkward and inept groping and fiddling.

Then one of my best friends just sort of became more. And then I loved him. And then he died.

And that’s it. If they made a movie of my love life, it would be one of those animated shorts they always talk about at the Oscars. Except my love-life-movie would be an animated very very short short.

But in the last 15 years I’ve noticed that male colleagues’ wives are always very eager to meet me. Naturally, conversation at home would include detailed intel on everyone’s love lives and upon hearing that I’m unattached, all modes of suspicion would be raised to DefCon 5.

Halt all judgment, I know some wives have reason to CIA-level suspicion. I know there are single women out there who throw their shaait around town like a firefighting airplane dropping water on a forest fire. But we are not all like that. And I would rather you get to know me before you slap one of those I’m-checking-you looks on me and inadvertently make me feel like a ho-bag.

I won’t be insulted like that. I’ve learnt from experience that you don’t kick out love from behind every mole-hill. It’s rare. It’s really freaking rare. And I’ve offered enough comfort on enough couches of enough friends to know the effects of sexual and emotional betrayal. That stuff is ugly. The type of person who willingly sticks a finger in someone else’s pie is the kind of person I don’t tolerate in my life.

My first proper boyfriend – I think we dated for all of 3 months – kissed another girl at a party in his home town. Inexplicably, his friends rushed to tell me (don’t you guys have a code?!). I remember feeling a little hurt. I mean I too have an ego, what am I, a WestWorld character? But I remember vividly thinking how weak his betrayal made him. I considered him pathetic. And that’s exactly what I think of people who fool around. Yuck, man. Yuck.

This is not even the worst. One day we’ll all be really bloody old, then all those wives will sincerely ask me to take their husbands! I’ve seen this movie…

Anyway, enough silliness. Time for chococino…

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