I have more weaknesses than a balloon full of water but it’s the shame that gets to me. Like so many other people, I suffer from chronic shame. The source of the shame varies as winter runs into spring, but it’s always there…a fat, grey cloud reminding me that I’ll never be all the way there.
I told you I’ve been exposed to COVID-19 and I explained the exposure was slight. But what if I carry the unseen enemy and unload onto a trusting person who doesn’t have my Wonder Woman-like immune system? What if my friend’s daughter…the one with the clotting disorder…picks up what I’m puttin’ down and a blood clot lodges in her heart? How do I live with myself? How do I brush my teeth without turning my back to the mirror?
Saturday the sore throat came. The itching in my throat came Sunday but I decided to hang in there, the self-imposed quarantine ends Friday and then I’ll be fine.
Yesterday the disgusting metallic taste came and settled on my tongue and wouldn’t leave. I never thought I’d live to look a bottle of pinotage in the face and think: yuck man. But there you have it.
I’m still not convinced I’ll test positive for the ‘rona, but I’d rather be safe than risk anyone’s health. My doctor agreed so she arranged testing.
I felt good about it. I felt I was doing the right thing.
Then the friend came with her laughing and scoffing and umpteenth explanation that I couldn’t possibly have the virus because she’s the one that was really exposed, not me. And she read on the internet that it’s really only infectious two days before symptoms show and I don’t have it. And it’s been 10 days, I couldn’t possibly have it. And how laughable to think that I could have it.
And then she laughed again.
My head knows that she is entitled to her opinion and that she’s probably right. People become paranoid in times like these and my head knows I’m just being fearful. But my heart is ashamed of it. I’m a scaredy cat. I’ll get tested and black on white it will show I’m clear. Then the I told you so’s will start. And I’ll feel like a fool…
Maybe the taste in my mouth is from something else…maybe it’s not even so bad! The soreness in my throat is as good as gone.
Yes…I think I’m rather healthy.
I’ll just stay home another two weeks. And avoid the wine.
Thank heavens for chococino…