THE HUSBAND OF MY FRIEND IS NOT MY FRIEND

At the grand old age of yadda yadda yadda I am lucky enough to have a handful of girlfriends who are also single. But some of my best girlfriends are married. And while slipping into eternal matrimony is a happy occasion, in few instances it has meant necessary adjustments to our friendship that I am not going to bake a cake about.

Let’s take Sara, for example. Thicker as thieves when we were kids but then she met Harrison in high school. Fires of attraction burnt so hot you wanted Hobbits to drop a ring in there…

Harrison didn’t like me and I didn’t like Harrison. In those days I still had some refinement so I remained tight-lipped about my feelings. But when the drunken twat-waffle that was Harri-boy cupped my breasts one night at a mutual friend’s party, I laid out the feelz for Sara…

So yes…that was about 25 years ago. Twenty-five years since I spoke to Sara too. She chose Harrison over me and married him a few years out of school. I have no idea where they are or if she still has any friends with boobs.

Then there’s Vicki, who became a very close friend after we shared a rough patch and a similar sense of humor. I met her husband Michael long after Vicki and I had become chummies. He was also the reason the friendship simmered down into a warm glow and then fizzled out completely; not because he was vile, but because he was everything but vile. When I first met him, electricity ran up and down my spine and some watts might have made a turn to the naughty bits.

I have no idea if the experience was mutual because I was not born with the ability to sense others’ feelings, but that is irrelevant. I stopped going over to her house. I made sure to stay far off whatever road he was on. And with the passage of time that meant seeing less and less of Vicki. So that was that.

But damn, I missed her.

Lerato’s husband, Tebogo, hates me. I have no idea why, I’m fucking delightful. A few months ago I parked my car outside their house to pop in for a visit. He was standing in his garden watering a plant and upon seeing me, let out a hopeless sigh and walked around the house.

Because of Tebogo’s strong, stoic nature and intense dislike of me, I find that I turn into an idiot around him. I try to be self-deprecating and funny…but it turns into an incomprehensible mumble and I laugh at myself for no reason that a normal human can gauge. The intimidation is just too much for my constitution.

So Lerato and I visit away from her home and on days when she is free from maternal and spousal duties, which is becoming more and more of a rarity.

I have plenty of girlfriends with perfectly nice husbands of course, I am just moaning about a precious few.

So remember, when you marry a girl, you don’t only marry her…and you don’t only marry her and her family…no, no sonny boy, you marry her and her family and her best girlfriends! Good luck to you.

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