I like who I was when I was little. Little-me was painfully shy but boy oh boy was I cool. Not commercially cool, Big Bang Theory cool. Ooo see, now I’m just flattering myself. No, I was cool in the sense that I was the least cool human being on this rock but I didn’t care one rat’s hind quarters.
I danced in my room like I was trained, I spent hours pasting magazine cut outs of Kylie Minoque in my note books (I even wrote her…I mean what am I, an amateur?), wrote letters to unknown people of my deep, tweeny melancholy and went on barely describable flights of imagination.
But my favorite thing about Little-me was my dumb determination. If I wanted something, I got it, even if I had to sacrifice everything. I wanted to play netball but my school didn’t have it, so I nagged and wrote and phoned and nagged my principle for months until she gave in. In the process I had to give up my shyness and my preteen need to be adored by all my teachers.
Might sound like nothing to you, but it near cracked me open.
I wanted to play a certain position but I was told I was too short. So I practiced until I was taken up in hospital. But baby, I got it in the end.
Little-me was everything I wish I could be now: fearless, focused and absolutely oblivious to the rules of the world that says: you can’t do that…you shouldn’t do that…no.
I’m thinking of Little-me today as I contemplate the dream I’m giving up. Between the dream of writing and creating my own stories and being an academic/teacher, the latter has won. And it didn’t win because I love it more. It won because the rule that says ‘there are too many good writers on earth and you don’t have the magic‘ beat the desire to try into submission.
There were other rules. The one about not enough time. One about financial needs and responsibilities. Then there was the one that says ‘too many people do not have jobs, you should give your everything to yours‘. Because how dare I dare to dream that I can do both when so many people can’t do one?
Life’s road to death is sewn with abandoned dreams. It’s easy for me to understand now that it is not because of laziness or lack of trying. It’s because Life is uneven. And sometimes that means adults have to follow reason before following dreams.