THE SALT KNOWS…

When I was young and believed that only Oprah understood me, she had someone on her show once who said that sometimes sweet cravings could be indicative of depression and salt cravings of anxiety.

Like with so many things in life, I’m 99.3% sure I had my head in my caboos and didn’t understand properly because science doesn’t enthusiastically support the statement…

Or does it?

I’ve been a sweet tooth all my life. And not in that cute, feminine way that leaves you slightly nauseated from excessive sweetness and your kitchen counter covered in a few cake crumbs.

No no, I’m captain of the A-team of sweet-eaters and only fools and the mentally malfunctioning would dare to challenge me to a contest. I would have doughnuts for breakfast, doughnuts for lunch and doughnuts for dinner. I love all things saccharine. And I’m not ashamed of it.

But the last three weeks I’ve not had the stomach for sweetness. Rather, I’ve had some unfamiliar and pretty engulfing cravings for salt. And since fries are easily improved with additional salt, that’s been the focus of my gastric, briny rage.

So what’s different about the last three weeks? My classes have been moved from late at night – which suits my near-vampire constitution just beautifully – to extremely, appallingly and disgustingly early in the mornings. So I’m not getting oodles of sleep.

And when moma don’t catch no z’s, she spends much of her time staring at ceilings. And when that happens she thinks up trouble.

And the trouble comes in the form of anxiety. About every-damned-thing.

I’m a severe introvert but lately I’ve been feeling rather lonely…what if I die with regrets and all alone and it takes paramedics 14 days to find my body which at that point will be half smellin’ skeleton anyway???? CHIPS!

I’ve fallen behind on my publications at work. And in academe you perish if you don’t publish oh holy shit I’ll never be promoted again I’ll die against a glass ceiling built by myself! CHIPS!!

I work with young people and members of the public. I caught swine flu back in the day when that was the disease of the day. What if I tell everyone to calm down about COVID-19 and then I catch it and I never get sick but what if I get it and I don’t die I just have to be quarantined in my house in perpetuity and then I go crazy from staying in my house in perpetuity…??? CHIPS!!!

See? Nuts.

It helps to write coz now I feel kinda tired and kinda calm and ready to go to bed. Maybe I’ll have just one chococino…with salt in it…

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